Fuck Up

It seems like I'm always doing this to myself. I always fuck up. I'm sorry I'm not perfect, not even close. I want to cry, curl up, die. I keep replaying The Dangerous Summer, because that's the only thing keeping me alive. I keep wondering why I keep losing my friends. What do I do? I can't seem to smile anymore.

Haha, I think I've given up. I just stare ahead and wait for the world around me to come down on my, taking my life with it. Here I am, breaking on my own. I did this to myself. I know I should have listened, but I didn't. I couldn't. Yeah, I know that I should have, but I couldn't.

I keep staring at my computer, wondering if I should give up. I can't keep real friends, what makes me think I can keep online ones? I'm such a joke. One day, these online friends will get a life and leave me here. What will I have then? Nothing. Nothing at all.



Broken memories that just remind me that I should give up. I think I've finally given up. I think I'm finally done with this bullshit fantasy of mine. I can't have happiness as long as I fuck up and lose everything i want in my life.I'm doing everyone a favor by disappearing. If I do, then you don't have to worry about having to hate me later.

Nothing

Distraction. The only thing that I need right now. My hands are trembling, and everything i put into my mouth comes back out. I'm afraid, and anxious. I got my first full night of sleep last night. Only because i spoke to her. I'm sure it was her. She told me things that made me smile, even if I wouldn't normally to get information like that. The last time i actually digested food was Saturday. Some time before 6, since that's when she left. Third person in a month, you know?

The first person I lost was named Kayley. I spent two years with her. She meant the world to me, in all honesty. According to her, though, friendship wasn't what she wanted. She didn't tell me, of course, but someone else. Not long after that, she told me she hated me as a person... Even made a list of everything wrong with me, you know? It hurt, and still does. I still clutch onto the small hope that maybe it never happened, and I just imagined it to save myself the pain of getting closer than I was.

The second was my grandmother. I called her when I was upset, yeah... I loved her so much. She used to tell me different versions of Peter Pan. This one time, she even got a list of my favorite Naruto characters and made the story with them. It was funny, because she couldn't pronounce their names right, and wasn't sure who was a girl or a guy. Naruto ended up being Wendy and Konan was Captain Hook. Anyway, her ovarian cancer is what killed her. We drove to Texas to visit her and spent hours at her bedside. She died right after we left.

The final person, the one that broke me... I always thought it was Kayley that would be the one to break me. After Kayley left, Rikku, Fan and Ari were there to pick up the pieces. I grew closer to them, especially Rikku. Told her things that not even Kayley knew. I told her things I don't like to talk about. I opened up to her, and i felt better. Though we didn't have much in common, we found a way past that. Then, I got her into Glee. I blame myself, since I'm the only one in the group that liked it. Yeah, we had a lot more to talk about.

I can't even talk about her anymore. All I know is I'm scared she's gone. I'm afraid I will never hear her again... You know, I was always failing in calls, and though she never talked, when that happened, she'd have a giggle fit.. And the volcano and curtain jokes. Just last week, Fan, Rikku, and I pulled an all nighter... I didn't think it was that bad, but.. Who knows? I try to understand, but I guess I can't.

I feel abandoned, lost, hopeless, unwanted, unneeded, distraught, upset, alone...

I feel like I'm being pulled into a never ending nightmare... Maybe one day I'll wake up from this coma, and Everything will become normal. For some reason, I think I will be trapped forever.